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Chapter 21

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Chapter 21
Schizophrenia, The Dark Side, and Jacob

Before I get to the other big thing that happened between Edna and me, I think I should give three other accountings.

The first of which was my experience with my aunt Samantha. I didn’t get to see her. She was hospitalized. Her boys were in foster care. She had, ironically (or not?), schizophrenia. She often forgot where she was going. She forgot where she put the car and would wander for hours. She had hallucinations. It’s strange in a way that I was so surrounded by so much schizophrenia, when I so wanted to believe I had it myself. It was almost as if life were putting me in the path of those with it so that I couldn’t cling to this hope. You’d think being told by psychiatrists that I didn’t have it would be enough, but I clung anyway.

My heart ached for her children and for her. But the good thing about it was that, although they couldn’t live together all the time, all of them were trying hard to keep their family together. Even the state was working hard to help her. There are, indeed, good people in the world. I’m glad that there were several of them around Samantha. She didn’t have an easy life, either.

Then there was Annette. I visited Annette, who had always been rather heavy, but she was now significantly obese. She would wear clothes that I can say I wouldn’t have worn at her weight. I felt a certain deep pity for her, because she was still in contact with Edna. And Edna… well… she ridiculed and called me a whore (even then) if I so much as wore shorts higher than my knees. Here was poor Annette dressing in clothes that she knew would provoke Edna’s diatribes.

She also was a vampire, and was serving the dark side, she told me. She regretfully informed me that I was merely a decoy; that she was the one upon whom the whole fate of the Universe rested. She was sad that I had to go through so much as a decoy, but she wanted me to know how important it was that I had been such a great one (decoy). She aggrandized herself as some kind of Chosen One. But I must say, she was very kind in her treatment of her decoy. By the way, the dark side is the good side, not the light side.

Harmless, she was, but so very strange. I won’t go further into it, because I think she has the right to be as she is. I might wish better for her, but who am I say if she’s happy or not? I’m pretty sure, though, that I’m not anyone’s decoy. I’m pretty sure that I’m not someone special, either.

In fact, I think that kind of makes me special… that I’m an ordinary person who went through extraordinary things. I’m proof that we can all survive these things. That the ordinary person can experience extraordinary tragedy and misery and hurt and still survive. Maybe one day thrive, at least in their own estimation. My great wish for everyone would be that we could all thrive according to our own feelings, instead of social paradigms of what success and thriving are SUPPOSED to mean to us– even if those things don’t really fulfill us on a personal or individual basis.

From there, we’ll visit Jacob III. I already knew that he didn’t remember most of life. But things were worse now than ever before. He didn’t remember any of the sexual abuse. He barely remembered anything at all. And worse than that, he was so angry with me for giving up Austin… I should, he said, have given Austin to him.

Here’s a guy who was living with his 42 year old wife and their new baby. He being 23 years old himself. And a guy who is on welfare, with his stepson and stepdaughter living in the basement with only curtains to separate their “rooms.” A guy who was livid that his 19 year old stepson didn’t respect him as his father. A man who sexually abused me as a child. A recovering alcoholic. Life wasn’t good for him, at all. And if I had to choose someone to give my son a better life, these things certainly didn’t fit the bill to me. I didn’t voice my objections. Especially since his wife was calling me every kind of a liar and demoness.

It was another very surreal time. It was as if the whole ‘normal’ world with its simple rhythm and flow had been pushed aside, and this odd caricature of life had sprung up in its place. It was creepy, and everything seemed dark, even on a brightly sunlit day.

It was a small thing that finally pushed me once more into the abyss.

Written by sandit4glp

July 30, 2010 at 1:22 pm

Posted in Chapter 21